As soon as the needle hits the groove I’m back at Offbeat. This was always the true sound of Offbeat. Gordon is (or isn’t, depending on whose side you take) “a puff”. Is that still cool? Are we all okay with that? As a 100%-hetero male up here, where the scenery is fantastic, does singing along to Jilted John put me in the same bracket as white people getting their Dre on? Am I committing a hate crime simply by playing the thing through loudspeakers? I’ll tell you this, if it was still going, you wouldn’t still be able to go on Top of the Pops and throw “puff” around. B-side is awful. John Shuttleworth is awful. I have no idea why I bought this. I think I just wanted something old and grotty looking to clean on my new Loricraft.

Keeping it controversial with notorious racist Stephin Merrit, who almost immediately uses the word “fag”. Modern life is all far too confusing for me. Great lyric, kind of sad, kind of funny, a bit show-tuney, nice. Shame he’s so racist. Oh, hang on, he isn’t.

Bona-fide radio legend Tony Blackburn made this utterly inexplicable cut back in the oh-seven. It’s different from the original in that it is faster, has more synthesizers, and Tony Blackburn. It’s a trendy Magners Pear sipping twat of a record, as opposed to the scrumpy swilling old English Somerset bastard of the original, whose company I would prefer, at least until he turned nasty. Definitely one of the more middling yellow vinyl pro-alcoholism provincial disco novelty songs in my collection. The b-side is actually quite nice.

The first thing I’ve bought on Static Caravan in ages, I don’t know why, it’s a great label.

This is on lovely dark purple vinyl, and annoys me slightly by turning out to be a 33rpm job, after I’d gone back to my seat. I like this record a lot with its spacey acoustic picking, electronic bass and breathy girly singing. Just makes you feel good, y’know? Manages that neat trick of sounding tight and a bit sloppy at the same time. Quickspace were the best at that. This is nothing like Quickspace. Or maybe it is, in their quieter moments. Or then again maybe not. The sleeve has a drawing of animals on the front which, though black and white, is not done in biro. It’s done on a bloody computer, just like everything else these days. B-side starts off folky and atmospheric, striking a balance between the very old and the very new, then goes kind of poppy but kind of creepy. Excellent.

I’ve been working out too. I’ve been working out how to get a massive box of T-Bone Roysters from Makro into the house without my wife knowing. More coloured vinyl, I’d call this pyrrole red, acrylics fans, and it contains about seven minutes of clipped, uncomplicated, unrefined, catchy indie-pop. Good gear.